Today it's been a year, well if you go by an actual date it will be tomorrow. But it was a Friday night one year ago that I lost my Dad. That sounds like I took him to the mall and misplaced him. I wish that were true. Then I'd have hope of finding him. But unfortunately he left this world, and me, behind. Where he is at is a good question and one I don't want to spend much time thinking about. I like to think he's in Heaven but one never really knows. Does someone who didn't believe in Heaven go to Heaven?

I can not believe how fast this year has flown by. I feel like I should be a lot sadder than I am. But today as I have most of the year, I find myself thinking of happy times. Things we did together, things Dad used to say. For some reason lately I keep remembering the mid 70's living in Phoenix, AZ. Dad had come home from work and had just gotten out of the shower. He was bringing his towel to the laundry room. To do so he had to go through the living room and the kitchen. Chubby Checker's "The Twist" came on the radio and Dad started dancing the twist with that towel. Such a silly image it makes me laugh and smile to think about it. Before we knew it all four of us, Dad, Mom, my brother and I were dancing the twist. Maybe I think about that particular memory so much because there were so few happy memories of the 4 of us.

Anyway, I don't find myself sad today. Oh maybe a little in the back part of my mind. Mostly though I'm happy for the few weeks Dad and I shared before he died. I think had he died in a nursing home or a hospital or his apartment anywhere but here, I would never have had closure. The weeks he was here with me being his nurse were hard but they were actually also happy, meaningful and cherished. He didn't dwell on the fact that he was dying he accepted it and almost embraced it. For the first time in my 45 years my Dad opened up. He wasn't one for showing emotion or saying I love you so for him to tell me that and to tell me about things of his childhood, and other things was a true gift to me. I really understood him for the first time. One thing my Dad NEVER said was "I'm sorry". Not to anyone! and he'd tell anyone who would listen that he would never do anything that he felt he should say sorry for. He would also say that didn't mean he didn't do bad things, he just never felt he needed to say sorry. That's the way he was. The day before he died he told me he was sorry. He had a tear in his eye and I will never forget the look on his face or that moment. It was a moment of peace for him and a moment of me being freed from harboring all the bad memories. They had been clouding the good happy memories and it was like a gate opened and all those happy memories came flooding back.

I'm sure as each year passes it will get easier and maybe I'll stop saying "I'll ask Dad, he'll know". Then remember Um yeah no I won't. But I'll never stop missing him. I Love you Dad and I know you are watching over me.